Hard Lessons Learned After 10 Years in Love Addiction Recovery
I’m excited to share with you some of the hard-earned lessons I’ve gathered from a decade of love addiction recovery. This journey has been anything but easy, but it has profoundly shaped who I am today. Many of you have been alongside me, either as clients or listeners, watching my transformation as I moved towards healthier relationships and better self-love.
My Journey of Love Addiction Recovery
For over ten years, my path to recovery from love addiction has been an intense yet deeply rewarding experience. Before discovering my way out, I constantly sought affection and validation from others, often abandoning my own needs and boundaries.
Love addiction, for me, was less about love and more about a desperate quest for security. It led me down paths where I would rationalize away red flags, stay in unhealthy relationships, and lose myself in the fantasy of what love should be. Each mistake and each misstep became a crucial lesson that propelled me towards true healing.
The Poem That Changed Everything
A particularly pivotal moment in my journey was when I found the poem "After a While" by Jorge Luis Borges. This poem spoke to me, offering wisdom and insight at a time when I was just starting my recovery.
It wasn't merely the words that resonated with me but the lessons they carried about self-acceptance, the nature of love, and self-reliance. The poem taught me the importance of holding one's own space, finding security within oneself, and realizing that true worth doesn't come from external validation. Reciting and reflecting on this poem became a grounding practice that reoriented my approach to love and life.
“After a while you learn…” by Jorge Luis Borges (revised and copyrighted by Veronica Shoffstall)
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul*,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,*
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every good-bye you learn.”
My Personal Background and Struggles with Love Addiction
My history with love addiction began woven into my experiences with faith, family, and societal expectations. Growing up, I was taught that romantic love was the ultimate goal, reinforcing my already strong tendencies toward fantasy and attachment. These lessons skewed my perspective, causing me to overlook the importance of self-respect and boundaries in favor of finding someone to complete me.
My initial attempts at relationships mirrored these misguided teachings, leaving me more broken and insecure than before. But understanding my background and why I craved love’s validation was crucial to my recovery.
The Turning Point in My Love Addiction Recovery Journey
My real turning point came during an unexpected and tragic time – the passing of my mother. This event exacerbated my love addiction, pushing me toward unhealthy behaviors and unhealthy relationships.
Therapy and support groups like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous gave me a framework and community to understand and combat these patterns. This period of intense self-reflection and support allowed me to develop the methods I now teach to others, ultimately leading me out of the cycle of self-abandonment. No longer was my default to chase unavailability or to stay silent for fear of ruining a connection.
How I Embraced Self-Love and Independence
Through these experiences, I've learned the invaluable practice of self-love and independence. It's no longer about just performing acts of self-care but about genuinely finding fulfillment in my own space, my own body, and my own company. I began to plant my own garden and decorate my soul rather than waiting for validation from others.
It was transformative to see that my happiness didn't hinge on someone else's affection but blossomed from within. Now, not only am I content and self-assured, but I also attract better, healthier relationships that enrich rather than deplete my life.
In conclusion, my decade-long journey through love addiction recovery has been one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences of my life. The lessons, both hard and beautiful, have sculpted me into a stronger, more self-reliant individual. The insights from the poem "After a While" and the various turning points along the way have deeply enriched my life. I hope my story serves as inspiration for anyone struggling with similar issues, reminding you that with each step taken in self-love and healing, you're moving closer to a more profound, fulfilling existence.