Love Deprivation (aka Love Anorexia)
Anorexics may easily let go, but have a hard time moving forward. They desperately crave love, but at the same time fear intimacy to the point that they may have severe anxiety surrounding sex with emotional content. The person does not have an aversion to sex, but to intimacy.
SIGNS AND CHARACTERISTICS OF a LOVE Anorexic
COMMON FEARS and HANG-UPS
Fear of intimacy of “connection” with others
Fear of engulfment, “suffocation,” loss of self, or death
Fear of intense feelings (which have been suppressed)
Fear of being visible or seen for one’s self
Fear of one’s sexuality
Fear of being attracted to someone
Fear of starting or exiting a relationship
ADDICTIVE & DEPRIVATION BEHAVIORS
These behaviors are used to decrease pain by numbing out or increase to pleasure (a.ka. getting a hit) Sexual anorexia has been described as the flip side of sexual addiction. It’s elusive, often masking itself behind other compulsive and deprivation behaviors. Sexual anorexia can wear many masks:
Isolation strategies for self-comfort
A vivid fantasy life (in private)
Pornography, voyeurism, masturbation, etc.
Cross-addictions – food, work, money, drugs, alcohol, hoarding, TV, Internet, etc.
Sexual promiscuity or acting out (with unavailable people)
AVOIDANCE
of INTIMACY
Intellectualizing (using anorexia as an excuse to act out sexually)
Inability to find a balance between the need to rejuvenate and wanting to isolate out of fear of being visible, etc.
Distancing strategies (avoidance of dating, avoidance of intimate friendships, behaving in a grandiose or inferior manner, avoidance of the company of others, withdrawal or isolation from a partner, etc.)
Addictive behavior (masturbating, fantasizing, intrigue, overeating, etc.)
Using safety mechanisms, i.e. operating automatically (making oneself “small” and “unseen” in group situations, keeping secrets, pretending to be “too busy” all the time, etc.)
Addictive obsession with unavailable people
POOR SELF ESTEEM, DEPRESSION, and ANXIETY
Like food anorexics, sexual anorexics starve themselves in the midst of plenty. Many of the participants indicated that they feel a sense of acute alienation and loss of self.
Deprivation (sexually, emotionally, etc.)
Self-belittling and judgment
Perfectionism
Grandiosity or inferiority extremes
Hiding from life and light
Loneliness
Stuck emotions
“Nothing ventured, nothing lost” thinking and acting
CORE beliefs
I am basically a bad, unworthy person
No one could love me as I am
My needs are never going to be met if I depend on others
Sex and love are my most terrifying needs
TRAUMA
in early life
Anorexia is usually rooted in childhood trauma. If a person is traumatized as a child they tend to have no control; in order to lessen the trauma, sexual anorexics may become adverse to sex and their own sexuality.
Boundary violations
Sexual shaming
Emotional neglect and abuse (needs not met)
Sexual and/or physical abuse
Deprivation leading to addictive strategies in later life
Loss (death) of family members
Life as a love anorexic
Someone who suffers with anorexia may look back and realize they have been living without intimacy and love for a long time. There may be a lack of closeness in some areas, and they may have strategies to keep others at bay.
Some strategies may include:
Intellectualizing (using anorexia as an excuse to act out sexually)
Inability to find a balance between the need to rejuvenate and wanting to isolate out of fear of being visible, etc.
Distancing strategies (avoidance of dating, avoidance of intimate friendships, behaving in a grandiose or inferior manner, avoidance of the company of others, withdrawal or isolation from a partner, etc.)
Addictive behavior (masturbating, fantasizing, intrigue, overeating, etc.)
Using safety mechanisms, i.e. operating automatically (making oneself “small” and “unseen” in group situations, keeping secrets, pretending to be “too busy” all the time, etc.)
Addictive obsession with unavailable people
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