Love Addiction
The compulsive behaviors are usually fueled by fear of being abandoned and consistently adapt, change, and eliminate healthy boundaries to be available to an emotionally unavailable partner.
About Love Addiction
Root causes include desiring to “win” the other person because by gaining their love and commitment, it equates to the love addict being worthy. The hope is that once this is done, the addict will be able to fully love him or herself (i.e. “This is the missing piece,” “I’ll be happy when the relationship looks like this..”)
The love addict either initially or eventually puts pressure on their partner to love them by caretaking, constant reaffirmation, and mindreading. Expectations shift from those of a healthy relationship with interdependent love to reflect wanting the partner to parent them in a way. This could be emotionally, physically, and even financially.
Love addicts in relationship typically feel like they are hanging on by a thread, and the obsession naturally brings very little sense of consistency or stability to one’s life. Their lives begin to revolve around this person, fantasy, or relationship or find themselves unable to be without a relationship. When in conflict, their thoughts may overwhelming turn to how to “fix” the conflict, their partners, or themselves. This gets in the way of daily functioning and lead to depression, addictions, anxiety, and even suicidal ideations.
The desperation felt by a love addict is not due to the connection to the partner. The source for this attachment is based on unresolved emotional wounds or traumatic experiences from childhood. The partner or relationship is seen as the “savior” to help the addict resolve past hurts.
Are you compulsively getting in relationships with people who hurt you?
Are you in a steady stream of relationships with men or women who are not emotionally available for you?
Do you find that in most relationships, you give and acquiesce relentlessly to find your partner is unwilling to do that same?
Do you wonder why you keep ending up in this same place?
If any of these questions apply to you, you may be a love addict.
LIFE AS A LOVE ADDICT
Love addiction is the pattern of being addicted to a person or fantasy.
A love addict will typically put themselves in dangerous or emotionally traumatizing situations in hopes of maintaining a relationship or connection to a partner even when s/he proves to be an emotional, physical, or spiritual detriment. This is in hopes of resolving a deep wound or fear of abandonment (i.e. If I can get them to change/ choose me / love me / stop __ behavior, I would feel better and everything would be okay. )
Love addicts look like the friends who are dating someone who treats them very undeservingly, but they stay in hopes s/he will change. Love addicts look like those who lose their sense of identity and become needless and wantless to conform to the desires of their partners to their detriment. Love addicts are those who can’t function out of relationship (i.e. can’t be single). They may also be in a relationship and during times conflict, they stress and panic due to fear of abandonment. Love addicts are codependents and usually pick up other unhealthy addictive patterns (alcohol/drug use, compulsive spending, restrictive eating or overeating, overworking, etc) to cope with the pain. They may cycle through depression but look like they have it all together on the outside.
With love addiction, it’s never really about the person they’re addicted to, but trying to resolve whatever pain has brought them to this point. The person serves as a savior type or fantasy serve. This is why many love addicts will remark in good times that their partner completes them. They either quickly or slowly over time lose their sense of self, ability to set healthy boundaries, and ask for what they need emotionally or physically because their partner becomes their higher power or God.
SO WHAT MAKES LOVE ADDICTION DIFFERENT THAN THE NORMAL BONDING THAT IS NEEDED FOR HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS?
Doesn’t love contain healthy pain? Doesn’t healthy love have conflict? No one is perfect.
How do you know that there is an unhealthy bond versus healthy commitment?
Well, there are 4 common qualities:
It’s habitual.
Love addicts continuously find themselves attached to unavailable partners. In a room of 100 persons, an internal radar will find the person who will not treat them in the way they deserve. This typically starts out as the in the perfect relationship but quickly turns sour. Each love interest may look differently, have a different profession, a different faith, but the dynamics of the relationships are the same.
There is little assertion of boundaries and needs, if any.
In love addicted relationships, the other person will typically be clear about what they will or won’t do. The love addict either quickly or slowly over time, in an effort to compromise, will give up basic expectations of love and respect from their partner. They become needless and wantless and do not assert themselves when they are not getting their emotional needs met… At least, not in a healthy manner. Some love addicts will resort to game playing or getting revenge versus direct and healthy communication. This is usually due to learning that their partner, usually a love avoidant, will not give what they want if they ask directly. In healthy relationships, partners are able to mutually state their needs and partake in a continuous give and take, versus it being more one-sided. Unlike healthy persons, love addicts stay in relationships to try to fix it or win the person over while possible being demeaned, ignored, unappreciated, cheated on, etc. .
It’s obsessive.
Not necessarily in the “become a stalker” sense, but definitely with similar strong components. The love addict is constantly thinking of how to please and appease their partner. High jealousy and insecurity usually accompany this because the love addict’s sense of self is dependent on whether or not their partner is giving them positive regard. Otherwise, they may start to feel depressed, have difficulty focusing, and feel empty.
4. Sex gets in the way. Where as sex is used to bond and connect partners to feel closer together, it can shift to be used a repair technique during conflict, a weapon, or a source of insecurity during conflict. Also, in love addiction, there is sometimes a strong pattern of confusing lust for love. Sex or sexual contact may be rushed too soon and infatuation is mistaken for real connection. Down the line in some love addicted relationships, sex many be used a manipulative tool or a vehicle to gain connection with the other person.
Many people are in destructive and life sucking relationships, have been on the verge of suicide, and they do not have a name for what is happening. They may have well meaning friends who just don’t understand why relationships hit them so seriously and tell them to “get over it,” which reinforces the shame and guilt cycle. There is also a lack of hope – no matter how hard they try, they keep ending up in a new place with the same place.
Some people think this obsessive, codependent love is normal and healthy.
They are convinced that it will eventually end up ok and work out. A miracle will happen and their partner will see the light, realize how giving and perfect the love addict is. Though this person is habitually unhealthy and emotionally unavailable, they will change for the love addict! A modern day fairy tale. In addition to “true love,” this conversion will ultimately fix that hole the love addict has inside of them. Unfortunately, this is not the case.
Persons rarely change for other people. Change needs to be an intrinsic, personal choice. And if they do change, as stated above, the emptiness/sadness/obsession/compulsiveness is not really about the emotionally distant partner at all. It is a recreating of painful patterns that usually started in childhood. Somehow we find persons to recreate the cycle with as older teens and adults.
SELF ASSESSMENT FOR LOVE ADDICTION
Take a look at the inventory below. If you can identify with a few or more of these questions, you are probably a love addict.
(list courtesy of Love Addicts Anonymous)
You are very needy when it comes to relationships.
You fall in love very easily and too quickly.
When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.
Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.
When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.
More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.
Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.
When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you.
Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.
When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.
When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over, and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.
You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.
Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.
In some of your relationships, you were the only one in love.
You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship.
You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.
More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.
You are terrified of never finding someone to love.
You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.
You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.
You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need, and value).
When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.
You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with).
More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.
You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it involved dishonesty.
You have stayed with an abusive person.
Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available.
You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.
You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds.
When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.
More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.
You have no impulse control when you are in love.
You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.
More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.
You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.
If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away.
Love is the most important thing in the world to you.
Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday.
As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies.
You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. You lose your ability to make wise choices.
SIGNS AND CHARACTERISTICS OF A LOVE ADDICT
It may look differently for every person, but below are common signs and characteristics of love addicts:
Inability to be without a relationship
For some people, a tendency to trade sexual activity for “love” or attachment
Confusion of sexual attraction with love at first sight
Tolerance for high risk behavior
High need for positive regard from lover to feel good about self
Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
Highly manipulative and controlling of others
Unrealistic expectations of others in relationships
Mistaking intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)
Confusing lust for love
Enmeshment
Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
Lack of nurturing and attention when young
Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
Outer façade of “having it all together” to hide
Hidden Pain/Denial
Excessive fantasy
Denial of painful feelings
Intense jealousy
Abandonment of your interests, friends, time alone, etc.
Losing yourself completely once in a relationship and a loss of personal boundaries
Increased use of alcohol, food abuse, drug intake, spending
A feeling of impatience about the relationship and wanting a ‘happy ending’ right away
All or nothing feelings: love/hate pain/ecstasy
Lack of consistency in the relationship
Lack of stability in the relationship, there are lots of ups and downs daily/weekly
Neglecting personal responsibilities and self-care
Denial despite warnings and concern from trusted friends
Fear of expressing feelings especially anger
Difficulty focusing and concentrating
Increased anxiety and depression
Being occupied by thoughts of partner or fears in the relationship
COMMON CONSEQUENCES
Loss of job
Loss of custody of children
STD’s
Chronic illness
Destructive coping methods including excessive drinking, food, sex, and spending
Difficulty concentrating on daily tasks
Neglecting personal responsibilities and self care
Increased anxiety and depression
Suicide attempts or self-harm behaviors such as cutting, eating disorders etc.
START RECOVERING
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